I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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