i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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