Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
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Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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