you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
