I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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