You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
