Just fell off a train. Bad.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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