I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
