finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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