I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
