Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
