i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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