It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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