The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Blood and glitter go together right?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
