Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
