worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
