I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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