I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
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You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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