they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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