Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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