it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
