he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
