They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
