2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So much Jack, so little girl.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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