I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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