I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
