So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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