It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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