What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
BRING THE BAGELS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
