the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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