Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
