nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
