I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
