my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
