textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
