you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
