I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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