12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dicks are not precious.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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