OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
home. puking in laundry basket.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
