Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
