I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
