I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.