Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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