I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
