I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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