Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
