I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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