just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
