My hand turned me down
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
