i need an iv and a liver transplant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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