Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
