who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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