wakey wakey hands off snakey
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
